Let’s face it: Santa’s a big guy. And in the eyes of the trial lawyers, he didn’t get that way on his own. Activists are trying to declare the Christmas cookies that you leave for the jolly old elf addictive, and lawyers are hoping that they can use that to win judgments against anybody who makes food that tastes good.

If you’re leaving out cookies this Christmas eve, you need protection from the only gift worse than coal. Rather than having a not-so-jolly process server come down the chimney, we are offering the chance for at-home bakers to protect themselves from lawsuit hounds like John “Sue the Bastards” Banzhaf. Our “Christmas Cookie Liability and Indemnification Agreement” means that Santa can’t sue because bakers didn’t leave out “healthier cookie alternatives,” didn’t provide a full ingredient list (the “Grandma’s Secret Recipe” clause), or failed to warn St. Nick that eating too many cookies might lead to greater obesity.

So get our waiver, and protect your spread for Santa from the diet nags. Our waiver covers you against New York Times columnists who might object to not putting skull and crossbones on the milk, against failure to provide Center for Science in the Public Interest-approved Broccolini Bonanza “cookies,” and angry activists who think that Christmas lights constitute manipulative marketing.