Santa Claus is coming to town, and millions of caroling, tree-trimming Americans are more than ready to leave out cookies and milk for the jolly old soul. But in today’s overlitigated society, every season ‘tis the season for a costly and protracted court case. Serving baked goods to an elderly fat man could put you on the receiving end of a very un-merry obesity lawsuit.

Don’t set yourself up for a summons under the tree. The Center for Consumer Freedom (CCF) suggests that, this Christmas, you ensure Santa signs a Christmas Food Addiction Liability and Indemnification Agreement.

This legally binding waiver guarantees that Kris Kringle won’t haul you into court for:

1. Failure to provide nutrition information and a detailed, verified list of ingredients (the “Grandma’s secret recipe” clause);

2. Failure to provide clearly marked usage instructions, including prominently displayed warnings concerning misuse, dosage size, and consequences of overdose;
3. Failure to warn of risk of drowsiness, including associated risk of operating heavy (reindeer-powered) machinery;

4. Failure to warn of risk and consequences of applicable ingredient allergies (lactose, peanuts, nutmeg, holiday cheer, etc.);

5. Failure to ensure that chimney dimensions are compliant with all applicable AHTA (American Holiday Travelers Act) regulations;

6. Failure to disclaim that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments, and other seasonal devices (plastic mangers, snowmen, etc.) are not intended as enticements to overconsumption;

7. Failure to offer organic, low-carb, or zero trans fat cookie alternatives (tofu cubes, celery sticks, carob-and-flaxseed bars etc.);

8. Failure to inform that cookies are not a weight loss food or meal replacement.

“With this waiver, families can spend Christmas morning opening presents, not seeking legal counsel,” said J. Justin Wilson, Senior Research Analyst at the Center for Consumer Freedom. “By swapping out Santa’s name for other likely litigants, they can also protect themselves from Scrooges-at-law who threaten to sue restaurants, food companies, school boards, doctors, and even parents for the nation’s extra pounds.”