August 17, 2006
Lunacy 101
In case higher education wasn't in enough trouble, the animal-rights activists at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have resolved to fan the flames. We are not making this up: Through its "hip" PETA2 website, PETA is encouraging undergraduates to apply for college credit to act as on-campus PETA operatives for a semester. To make sure that the coursework is sufficiently rigorous to merit college credit, however, we suggest schools administer the following final exam (we are making this up):
- Euthanize at least as many animals as PETA employees Adria Hinkle and Andrew Cook. (Bonus credit if your "death van" is biodiesel-powered.)
- Protest the Chinese government when they do the same thing.
- Deliver a lecture on how "blowing stuff up and smashing windows ... [is] a great way to bring about animal liberation."
- Rip off at least one public-relations campaign to maintain PETA's reputation as "creative geniuses."
- Protest life-saving animal research. (Bonus credit if you have hepatitis C or are an insulin-dependent diabetic.)
- Harass local food-service employees via telephone relays intended for the hearing-impaired (feel free to use language as foul as contained within this example).
- Devise a campaign that compares an oppressed minority group with livestock animals. Issue a statement declaring your "apology" but continue the campaign anyway. African-Americans and Jews have already been covered -- recommended targets include Armenians, Kurds, and Tutsis.
- Send a FedEx with evidence of your latest arson to Ingrid Newkirk. Collect your free $70,000 in legal defense fees.
NOTE: FEDERAL INCARCERATION WILL (PROBABLY) NOT ENDANGER YOUR CHANCES OF GRADUATION.
