The animal rights zealots at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) are engaging in some very public back-patting after wrapping up a day-long “cruelty to animals” seminar with disgraced NFL quarterback Michael Vick. PETA loves to play the part of enlightened humanitarian for the press, and the Vick scandal has proved to be the perfect opportunity for these save-the-chickens extremists to generate sympathetic media coverage. Which got us thinking: Given PETA’s well-documented history of cruelty to humans, its staff would certainly benefit from a similar seminar (at our headquarters).

Suggested schedule:

9:00 am: “Human Beings Have Feelings” -- Recent scientific breakthroughs show definitely that members of the homo sapiens species consciously experience the world, and have negative emotional reactions to adverse external stimuli. Activities proven to cause stress in humans include harassment at work, physical assaults, death threats, and verbal abuse.

10:30 am: “Don’t Exploit Human Misery” -- For reasons still not completely understood, most people find the insensitive exploitation of human tragedy to be offensive. Examples include viciously criticizing a recently deceased and widely beloved naturalist, mocking the cancer diagnosis of a big-city mayor, and comparing farm animals to victims of the Nazi Holocaust.

12:00 pm: Lunch break (hot dog cart provided)

1:30 pm: “Science is Good” -- Scientific investigation into the causes and cures of human illness has reaped untold benefits to society. Obstruction of medical research through criminal activities or misinformation campaigns is inhumane and wrong.

3:00 pm: “Preying on Children is Bad” -- Children are psychologically vulnerable and should not be used as pawns in activist campaigns. Examples of reprehensible treatment of children include distributing disturbing comic books at schools and lying about the health effects of kids’ favorite foods.

4:30 pm: “Things Cost Money” -- Most stuff isn’t free. If you destroy something, it costs money to rebuild or replace it. Instances of costly behavior include burning down medical laboratories and vandalizing restaurants.

6:00 pm: “Many People Take Their Religion Seriously” -- Most Americans subscribe to one organized religion or another, and they can become offended by insensitivity toward their chosen deities and holy books. Examples of callous disregard for religion include deliberately misquoting scripture, ascribing vegetarianism to a clearly omnivorous religious figure, and mocking church leaders by portraying them as livestock.