There’s a demon lurking in your kitchen, and it’s not a werewolf or a vampire… it’s non-organic meat! That’s what vegetarian columnist Vance Lehmkuhl of the “alternative press” Philadelphia Daily News wants you to think. Quick, put a steak through its heart!

Calling meat “scary food” and comparing it to “the terrorist threat,” Lemhkuhl conjures up the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS) and Howard Lyman to back his claims. UCS is a pro-organic group that wants to cut U.S. meat consumption in half — USA Today called it “among the greenest of U.S. environmental groups.” And Lyman, a successful cattle rancher for nearly four decades, now profits off the mad cow scare, promoting “plant-based eating” and his book, “Mad Cowboy: Plain Truth From the Cattlerancher Who Won’t Eat Meat.” Lyman seems more interested in sales than salvation — his website shamelessly calls on visitors to “Make Howard Lyman’s book a bestseller!”

Lehmkuhl’s Halloween trick falls flat when his cohorts take off their masks.