Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches would be banned from Connecticut schools under proposed legislation. Thanks to overblown fears of “trans fats,” the bill would eliminate all foods containing hydrogenated oil. Reliable standbys like graham crackers, peanut butter, margarine, cheese, and salad dressing would all become instant contraband.

A food services director for Bridgeport (CT) Public Schools told the Connecticut Post on Saturday what her lunchrooms would look like under food-police-approved menu rules: “Peanut butter would be knocked off our menu. Pizza would be knocked off our menu. What would [we] be left with?”

Students in the Constitution State are already forbidden to buy coffee, tea, soft drinks, and candy until a half hour after classes end each day. The proposed revision would remove that 30-minute loophole, completely banning such horrible items as Snapple and chewing gum.