When the Center for Consumer Freedom decided to send John “Sue the Bastards” Banzhaf a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, we ran into an obvious problem: How to avoid being sued by Banzhaf for contributing to his obesity? Here’s a guy whose signature law school course is nicknamed “suing for credit” and whose license plate reads “SUE-BAST.” His crusade to cash in on our nation’s love handles has reached such outlandish proportions that he has threatened to sue milk companies, pork farmers, school boards, fast food restaurants, and perhaps even mom with her apple pie. Luckily, a solution presented itself. Before sending Banzhaf the chocolates, we asked him to sign a “Valentine’s Day Chocolates Liability and Indemnification Agreement.”

Click here to read the complete agreement, which we offered to “duly warn Tort Reform Poster Boy that dangerous conditions, risks, and hazards may accompany over-consumption of chocolates including, but not limited to, satiation, indigestion, heartburn, dizziness, laziness, heart disease, ‘food coma,’ and ‘that bloated feeling.'” The indemnification also includes an agreement not to haul us into court on the basis of:

1) Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because chocolates taste too good and are provided at no cost;

2) Failure to advise that chocolates are not intended as a substitute for love;

3) Failure to offer “healthier” chocolate alternatives (e.g., tofu-filled carob bon-bons);

4) Failure to warn that some chocolates may have more fat, saturated fat, or calories than others;

5) Failure to counsel that chocolates may be habit-forming and/or irresistible;

6) Failure to provide complete instructions in multiple languages on proper method of consuming chocolates (e.g., the correct orifice in which to put them); and

7) Failure to notify that eating a wheelbarrow full of chocolate may lead to obesity.