Even though an academic study published by the prestigious British Medical Journal concluded that “consumption of candy was associated with greater longevity” and “non-consumers of candy … had the highest mortality overall,” Halloween candy continues to bring the sour threat of frivolous obesity lawsuits from greedy trial lawyers. They are led by John “Sue the Bastards” Banzhaf, who even suggests suing parents whose kids are overweight! So forget the zombies, witches, and werewolves: The scariest creatures out there are legal sharks who could haul you into court just for offering bite-size candy bars. That’s why we’re offering our Halloween Trick-Or-Treat Liability and Indemnification Agreement, to protect the millions of Americans who open their doors to little tricksters this holiday. Click here to download or print the agreement and save yourself a Frankenstein-sized headache.

Part of the agreement, signed by the would-be Trick-Or-Treater, reads:

Trick-Or-Treater acknowledges and understands that no warranty, either expressed or implied, is made by Benefactor as to the nutritional content of the goody. This document is offered in order to duly warn Trick-Or-Treater that unforeseeable risks of harm may lurk in the Tootsie Rolls, Pop Rocks, Blow Pops, Baby Ruths, Candy Corn, Butterfingers, caramel apples, and any or all other comestibles that may be offered.

The agreement also includes a number of clauses designed to protect you from possible liability. By signing it before they take your candy, the Trick-Or-Treaters agree not to sue you on the basis of:

Failure to warn of potential for overeating because candy tastes too good and is provided at no cost;
Failure to provide nutritional information or adequate educational information on exercise options;
Failure to offer “healthier alternatives” or “lame treats no kid wants”; and
Failure to provide information about other venues offering alternative, “healthier” Halloween goodies.