If you think Santa should be handing out presents instead of fat lawsuits, watch out: Jolly Old Saint Nick could sue your knickers off if a trial lawyer convinces him that your Christmas cookies made him fat. The plump old elf makes an inviting client for Grinch-like lawyers — like John “Sue the Bastards” Banzhaf — who are eager to file lawsuits against restaurants, school boards, and even parents because they hope big bellies will equal fat wallets. Before he chows down, make sure Santa signs our Christmas Cookie Liability And Indemnification Agreement to keep you off his lawyer’s “naughty” list — and out of court.

Think you can’t be sued for serving holiday treats? A Santa-sized janitor from New York already sued fast-food restaurants for making him fat. When that little tune was whistled out of court, the janitor’s lawyer appeared at the bar again with overweight kids as supposed victims.

This year, enjoy a portion of protection — not a lump of legal coal. By getting St. Nick to sign his Santa Hancock on the dotted line of our waiver, he agrees not to haul you into court for:

Failure to provide nutrition information and a list of ingredients (the
“Grandma’s secret recipe” clause);
Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because cookies taste too good
and are provided at no cost;
Failure to advise that walking, biking, and jogging will shed pounds, but riding
around on a sleigh will not;
Failure to warn that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments (plastic reindeer,
snowmen, etc.) and other holiday decorations may constitute manipulative
marketing to lure Santa into over-consumption.
Failure to offer “healthier” cookie alternatives (e.g., tofu bars);
Failure to counsel that cookies may be habit-forming and/or irresistible; and
Failure to notify that eating too many cookies may lead to even greater
levels of obesity for St. Nick (the “Sanity Clause”).

Click here to download the Agreement, and make your holidays lovely and litigation-free.