In their failed attempt to fry arch-foe KFC, the nutball leaders of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have tried every publicity-seeking trick in the book. They’ve sent protesters to cause a spectacle outside restaurants. They paid to re-paint a hearse with anti-KFC slogans. They picketed a church where one KFC executive was worshipping, and then later sued the church after police made them move across the street. And they’ve urged their members to harass KFC executives (and their families) with late-night phone calls. In the face of all this abuse, PETA’s latest effort — encouraging young activists to vandalize restaurant doors and signs — seems relatively tame. But it did give us an idea.

A PETA website — and a letter sent to teenage activists — offers the following counsel about giant “Closed for Animal Cruelty” stickers that the group is currently offering for free:

Order your very own “Closed for Animal Cruelty” sticker now, and place it in a highly visible place. For legal reasons, we can’t encourage you to put the sticker on your local KFC’s door or drive-thru menu, where lots of people will see it and then probably not eat there — no, that would be just horrible, wouldn’t it? Who would do such a thing?!

Who indeed? Perhaps this drama queen? Or these two Canadian lads? (Their exploits are, of course, being promoted by PETA.)

Here’s a nutty thought that — under different circumstances — PETA might appreciate. Click here to order one of PETA’s giant “Closed for Animal Cruelty” stickers. PETA will even pay for the postage. When it arrives, click here for a map to PETA’s headquarters at 501 Front Street in Norfolk, VA.

For legal reasons, we can’t encourage you to put the “Closed for Animal Cruelty” sticker on PETA’s front door or its roadside sign, where lots of Norfolk townspeople will see it and appreciate the irony. After all, unlike any fast-food restaurant company of which we’re aware, PETA actually has two employees facing felony charges of cruelty to animals.

On second thought, no, that would be just horrible, wouldn’t it? Who would do such a thing?!

Note for those of you who were born without a funny bone (this means you, PETA lawyers): This is a parody. Do not actually vandalize anything.