Lunacy 101

In case higher education wasn’t in enough trouble, the animal-rights activists at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have resolved to fan the flames. We are not making this up: Through its “hip” PETA2 website, PETA is encouraging undergraduates to apply for college credit to act as on-campus PETA operatives for a semester. To make sure that the coursework is sufficiently rigorous to merit college credit, however, we suggest schools administer the following final exam (we are making this up):

Euthanize at least as many animals as PETA employees Adria Hinkle and Andrew Cook. (Bonus credit if your “death van” is biodiesel-powered.)

Protest the Chinese government when they do the same thing.

Deliver a lecture on how “blowing stuff up and smashing windows … [is] a great way to bring about animal liberation.”

Rip off at least one public-relations campaign to maintain PETA’s reputation as “creative geniuses.”

Protest life-saving animal research. (Bonus credit if you have hepatitis C or are an insulin-dependent diabetic.)

Harass local food-service employees via telephone relays intended for the hearing-impaired (feel free to use language as foul as contained within this example).

Devise a campaign that compares an oppressed minority group with livestock animals. Issue a statement declaring your “apology” but continue the campaign anyway. African-Americans and Jews have already been covered — recommended targets include Armenians, Kurds, and Tutsis.

Send a FedEx with evidence of your latest arson to Ingrid Newkirk. Collect your free $70,000 in legal defense fees.


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