While kids across the country look forward to donning their scariest masks tonight (and pets are being made to wear their most embarrassing costumes, much to the chagrin of animal rights activists), America’s food police are being compelled by common decency to take off their own professional fearmongering masks and act like normal human beings, if only for today.

The Los Angeles Times asked several leading food cops what they give out on Halloween, and the answers are amusing, to say the least. Twinkie-tax godfather Kelly Brownell, the Times reports, “hasn’t done studies on how far treats can be healthified before children balk, ‘but perhaps you could do that,’ he quips. ‘The outcome variable could be seeing how far you could go without getting your house TP’d.‘” At Halloween parties, Margo Wootan, director of nutrition policy at the Center for Science in the Public Interest, will serve cupcakes and apple slices: “I couldn’t be more dedicated to healthy eating, but I do believe that certain foods play a role in celebrations.” Wootan will only smash birthday cupcakes, it appears, in moderation — that is, on 364 days out of 365.

For those of us who don’t plan on hyperventilating about food either on this night or on any other night, the Center for Consumer Freedom has a Halloween Liability and Indemnification Agreement to give trick-or-treaters before handing over the loot. Trial lawyers looking for a new obesity lawsuit are always on the prowl, and not just on Halloween.