U.S. ‘Humane Society’ To Begin Operating Pet Shelters by 2015

In a surprise announcement today, vegan activist Wayne Pacelle* announced that the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS), his organization, will finally start operating hands-on pet shelters by 2015. Animal welfare advocates were relieved at the announcement, citing the recent takeover of several shelters by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).
Pacelle explained* in a press conference this morning that his organization will gradually double its funding of local animal adoption centers from the current 3.4 percent of its operating budget to an all-time high of 7 percent. “The hard-working Americans running the local humane societies in this country have been begging us to step up our assistance for years,” said Pacelle. “It will be great to finally get them off our backs. And if we can save a few homeless pets in the process — hey, why not?”
According to anonymous sources inside the organization, the unprecedented move is a reaction to fundraising problems stemming from donors’ realization that HSUS’ mission has more to do with promoting vegetarianism and lobbying Congress than helping homeless dogs and cats.
But the manager of one rural Virginia humane societies said that he didn’t mind HSUS’ ulterior motive. “Now that Ingrid Newkirk has started infiltrating our adoption centers, things are getting desperate. If puppy-killing PETA takes over any more shelters, we may not have any dogs or cats left in this country.”
*April Fool!

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