Michael Jacobson, food police chief at the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI), announced today* that he wanted to make a public confession that he drank a soda.

“I know at CSPI we run a website calling soda ‘liquid candy,’ but I just couldn’t resist myself. I drank a can of root beer the other day,” Jacobson said, sniffing away tears*.

For his penance, Jacobson will flagellate himself* with a cat o' nine tails while reciting CSPI’s 1st (and only) Commandment, “Thou Shalt Not Eat Or Drink Anything That Tastes Good.” Jacobson is considering* whether he needs to preemptively don a Hannibal Lecter-style mask to fight the temptation of cheese fries.

CSPI’s confessional* will be open every day at 8 a.m. before Easter.

*April Fools!